ummh...

I'm waiting for someone's message... waiting... waiting... Still no response! It's strange how people who've never messaged me in their entire life decide to do so now- when I'm waiting for someone's message. I wonder if anyone's been through anything like this- waiting for someone's message.

Clampdown

During my school days, intellect and self-sufficiency had managed to show God the door.He seemed to have run out of job, at least, in my life. Those were the times when I was too ignorant to claim being an atheist or a more modest agnostic. In fact, I didn't give two hoots to an issue like the existence of God. How could it matter to me when this topic wasn't even on the radar of my family or friends?

When the moment came that faced me with the choice of accepting Jesus, I did it without actually feeling the need for it. However, because I prided myself on my high moral standards and principles, there was no question of re-tracking- No, at least to satisfy my pride. Therefore this decision was taken after much deliberation. Moreover, my idea of what God ought to be, did not allow me to lie to Him. Since then, there was no looking back. I began to enjoy this new relationship. Bible study, fellowship with believers and communion with God moved like clockwork.

It was painful to learn that for many it's not as simple as that. It's a friend, several years my junior, who introduced me to a sceptic's worldview. There's nothing glib, in the weeniest sense of the word, anywhere in his arguments. He's an earnest seeker.

Before this, I had never questioned the statement "The sign of genuine faith is a faith that demands no sign." His opinions cut me to the quick and got me cracking on the reason behind my faith.

Again, everything was easy for me. Over a period of 1yr, I found the right books, bumped into the right people, ran ragged through the right circumstances at the right time and found answers for nearly all my questions. Lee Strobel's books especially 'The case for faith' and 'The case for a creator' parried away a major chunk of objections against Christianity. The remainder was wiped out by my precious personal experiences.

I'm hoping to dismantle my friend's seemingly unshakable case against God by lending him Lee strobel's The case for a creator.

Also, I shall pray for him- that's a freedom I love to exploit.

New life today

Fleeting faces like clouds,

Changing shapes on the sky of my mind.

Smokey images, echoing cries

Diminish to whispers as from my sleep I arise.

Emerging into consciousness

Trying to comprehend the sleep-life's plots,

Still I lie, in fresh restlessness

Arranging my disconnected thoughts.

I'm stung awake with a familiar sensation

Steely looks, icy voice, derisive glare.

The cold picture of perilous desolation.

Ah! Reality and imagination had mingled there.

Sifting through the dens of memory unbent,

Eagerly replaying my vivid follies from the start.

I can't help but blame God's careless uninvolvement

when I nourished misconceptions in heart.

If only I could delete them from my mind

Like I delete messages from my phone's inbox...

But stronger and stronger grows the bind

Like chained and held with keyless locks.

Lord, Your mercies flow anew each morn,

Renew my failing faith I pray.

Heal my wounds and end my mourning

Grant me the will to forgive myself today.

letting go

Today is very much unlike yesterday. I'm happier and a lot more wiser too! I got up early in the morning and felt like a new being. Moreover, the weather was milder than yesterday, so I had little difficulty getting out of bed which is the biggest hitch for people like me.

After my quiet time, I stepped out of my home to greet my friends- tiny frogs, cute insects and slimy snails.(For people who've seen the place where I live this's nothing uncommon) Particularly this morning, I was struck by the tardiness of a relatively large snail. Huffing and puffing to move on... Carrying a large dome of intricate design. Suddenly I realized 'THAT'S SO ME! For years now I've been carrying an equally beautiful and heavy bag of memories. Something so hurting and yet so desirable...

I need to move on and let those old days go for good.

Thanks dear friend!

fuoss...

Something fuoss* happened to me last evening. The very thought of it makes my blood run cold.


It was past 8 in the night, when i decided to rush to the supermarket(more like a bigger version of a mal provisional store) near my home...

Let me first describe the locality to accurately communicate the intensity of the whole incident. My home's situated very much off the beaten track which gives it an appearance of a graveyard after sundown. Consequently, accounts of robbery, eve teasing(often beyond just teasing), unidentifiable dead bodies lying on the railway track which runs parallel to the main avenue of our layout, etc are as common as common cold! Unfortunately, there are no houses beyond my single storey nondescript building. However, the road continues for another 300 metres through vacant sites till it meets a lake. A seasonal lake visible only during monsoon. These empty sites are safe hangouts for dopers. I've very often seen them crash here with their guitars in bikes and cars.

Turning to last night... Now you know why I mentioned the time!

I boldly walked out into the soft moonlight closing the gate behind me. The road before me was completely bare. Here and there were patches of bright yellow light scattered by street lights.

At a distance I saw a single beam of light from a bike. 'Surely it's Papa' thought I and intently stared at the silhouette riding the bike. As the figure got clearer, I decried a tall well built man in a red T-shirt who was no way close to a father figure. Quite disappointed I looked away and continued to plod ahead certainly unaware that this man would find a place in my blog the next day.

As the bike got nearer, its pace slackened till it came to an abrupt halt beside me. By now, I'd reached mid-road and wondered what this Mr.X had to do with me. Instinctively I looked at him. With half a smile and half hesitation he mumbled something. Something more like a buzz and absolutely incomprehensible. Suddenly I was reminded of similar incidents when men had passed some vulgar comments or ###$$## remarks in the same tone and remarkably same expression. If looks could kill, he'd be charred to death, such was my stare in reply. With that, I quickly continued to walk.

Undoubtedly he looked extremely embarrassed and sped away. What other treatment did he expect in return? Justly, I was raging with anger against all men! Surprisingly, I heard the rumble of his bike getting closer to me.. the dimly lit path slowly got brighter. Was this man trying to assault me? Verbally, or still worse physically! The road was as deserted as ever! I looked around for a suitable weapon. there were lots of loose chunks of rocks around me. Good. If he tries to play the devil with me, I wouldn't let him escape unharmed. At least his bike would bear the scars of my counter attack!

For my relief, another man- quite decent looking, appeared from a crossroad and was walking towards me. 'That should put him on guard' I thought. Surely enough, his pace reduced almost to 10km/hr. I had to discipline myself not to flee in fright, but my inside was badly shaken. Jesus! something was turning in my tummy! What would he do to me? the decent looking man passed by and I could feel my knees tremble.

'Excuse me' came a clear loud voice. It was the man on the bike. I turned back. However, to my embarrassment, he was speaking to the other guy.' Is this lake view residency? I was looking for #308. could you please help me?' As he said that, he stared at me with a haughty gaze. Uh! OK... I'd got it all wrong...

But I've decided never to venture out of my home after 7 without my bike.

*Fuoss is a word coined by me and my friend to describe something between funny and gross.

Dashing through the hills

Ha HA AH! leaping, jumping!!!! Uh... I'm just too happy for words. This year's parish camp to Yellagiri was amazing! Made loads of friends, stayed up all night, trekked up a hill, screamed my lungs out and the list goes on.

This was the first time in my life that the excitement for a camp began to mount up almost a week before the camp got started. Unlike the usual fate that attends such massive expectations, this camp offered much more than I could ask for! Infact fun and enjoyment spewed out with the rapid turn of every second on the clock.

It would be a gruesome task if I set myself to relate everything blow by blow. Moreover, I'm already beginning to miss those 4 days of great gusto. It makes me incapable of anything else. Shall get back soon:)

Small things are all I ask for.

Life has offered me many things... some asked and others unasked. but it's so oddly frustrating when just that one thing I so desparately want never comes to me. Just one smile to light up my day, just one word to show that I belong somewhere, just a hug to make me feel appreciated... it's only a small thing I ask for which almost always goes unnoticed.

The other day I heard a Joyce Meyer sermon, pushing me to demand big things from God. BIG things because He's able to do much more than I can ever ask or imagine. Undoubtedly I believe He's able to do much more than the highest fancy of my imagination. But how can I hope for big things when the smallest of my prayers seem to go unanswered? I must say it's much easier to be a passive pessimist than a growing christian. Or is something fundamentally wrong with my understanding? Should christians be passive pesimists who give up all their dreams and aspirations at the first step of failure believing that the whole program is not under the will of the Almighty? I'm not making any sense, not even to myself.

Tiny disappointments can so easily put me off. Like knife running through warm butter, glitches ruin the knowledge of God's love for me. No... A small disappointment should not, cannot overshadow the many miracles He's worked in my life. Forgive me Dear Jesus.

Even though the fig tree does not blossom and there are no grapes on the vines. Even though the olive crop fails and the fields lie empty and barren. Even though the floks die in the fields and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in the Lord of my salvation. The Soverign Lord is my strength, He makes me as surefooted as a deer and He will bring me safely over the mountain- Habbakuk 3:17-19
( It took only 10min for me to memorise this verse but it might take a life time to internalise it)

To my dearest friend

How can I thank you dear friend for all that you are to me. I'd never thought, not even on the last day of college, that we would remain friends even after we part ways. Fortunately phone calls followed fixed meetings and they followed sleepovers. It's been more than 5yrs of happy friendship now... And nothing seems strong enough to break this bond. Neither distance nor trying situations. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH! There's something I must say, I've never seen you getting angry. Not even when i don't call, msg or mail you for months. No, not even when I forget to wish you on your birthday (i'll never live down the shame). regardless of how many times i call, your calls remain steadily frequent. i'm sorry... It's getting too difficult to make time, especially in the evenings when I can call you. Thanks a million for your patience. i was totally taken aback by the msg you sent me last Sunday, "Jess, looks like you're very busy. Hope everything is well with you. Do reply." the only demanding msg you ever sent me:)

A distinct love

I'm facinated by the uniqueness of God's love for each of us. The other day, I was talking to my sis about various personalities. Suddenly something I'd read somewhere jolted back to mind. God surely loves everyone, but His love for me is completely different from His love for another person. I don't speak in terms of its size. we very well know that love can't be measured for love is not love if it's anything short of love. Therefore, there's no question of big love or small love. What I mean is, I'm special, there's no one like me in this whole big universe. However, there is a hole in my heart which can be only filled by God. This's true of every human being. Accepted. We hear it almost every Sunday in church( Infact we've been singing this since a month.. we weren't spared even during the picnic). Curiously enough, every hole is not round, and no two holes are identical. Simply because my needs are not your needs. So God has to fill this peculiar hole in a peculiar way. He can't fill me like He fills you. He loves me like He can love no one else:)

here i am

I really enjoy reading blogs... Especilly those of my friends. So I decided to let my friends also relish similar delight!

life is beautiful

life as i see it is beautiful... Countless moments of pleasure sunk deep, like a lingering smile. Myriads of innocent follies decking the garment of time. numerous hurts, shared and unshared, woven into it. Victories and defeat adorning like jewelleries and varied gems of friendship, crowning my proud heart. Life as i see it is beautiful...