I'm not always like this I have seen highs, When the Great I am took my hands And whispered love songs in my ears. His presence alive in me Cheered the world I stepped in. The Mighty one bending down I saw To place on my forehead a loving kiss But, I'm not always like this. I sometimes hit the lows, Question myself If what my heart once felt was real Though smiling and dancing In the house of God My own heart alone knew The strong web of despair Spun around my thoughts Caught in a battle of truth and whims I'm not always like this. I sometimes stumble Though I make up my mind to run the race. Run... so I can win. When the going seems good Off-guard I'm caught in sin In shame I cover my face Disgraced by self-created mess But I'm not always like this. When I close my tired eyes He still watches me. He gives me my daily bread He still numbers my every hair. Even when I feel like giving up on myself And cry like a wounded child, He holds me tight in His loving arms and says "Stay still... Stay right here... My plans never go amiss You'll not always be like this".
My prayer to You dear Lord,
Is not that You approve of my plans.
Not that You grant my desire.
Not that my dreams be realised
And my hopes be answered.
I have not come to You dear Lord,
To plead for Your attention.
Not come to cry or complain
About my failings and weaknesses.
For You see me as I am.
Dear Lord I come to You,
with a single mind.
This I expect,
This I demand...
That You have Your own way
That You have Your own way in me...
We were at our favourite hang out- the seashore, when he said being happy is a choice that we make... "Really? I don't think so." was my instant reply. He retorted, "Yes it is! When things don't go the way you want it to, it's up to you to say I believe this is for my good, because I trust in the love of the Lord and I know that He's in control, or to say I don't know why nothing good ever happens to me." The last part of the sentence was said in such a whiny babyish style that I broke out laughing.
As we watched the restless waves and listened to its constant rumble, I wondered- Is it all that easy? When I'm with him, yes it is more than easy to be happy... To be ecstatic even when every reason to smile is snatched away from me! When he is around... Yes.
As if reading my thoughts he said, "It's not easy, I agree. Making the best choice in life is never easy." He held my gaze for a moment and then looked away. Why, I could not tell. Was it because he saw the hurt in my eyes? I didn't want him to leave me so soon. Was this really the best choice he could make? I didn't know. "This time is too good to be wasted in silence" he said turning to me with beaming eyes. "True" I said, "I can either decide to make myself miserable over your going away or decide to make the most out of the time I'm with you."
"You're a quick learner!" he said in a mocking tone, "Come on! It's not like I'm leaving you forever. It's only for a few months!"
The sun glowed low on the horizon. Cool winds rushed in a pleasing pace. The waves still rumbled, as we talked, laughed and walked bare foot along the cheerful shore.
I love You... There's nothing in this whole wide world I want more than You.
It was much after dusk. I was walking back home from the library through the deserted roads of Hurstville... At a distance there was a gigantic hoarding lit up with red lights, announcing my proximity to the Westfield shopping town. Right before me was St George's hospital. Wearing the same deserted look unlike Indian hospitals, where hordes of people maunder in and out of the wide gates with every kind of expression human faces are capable of wearing. There I walked amazed at the huge turn my life has taken. Nothing's the same here in Oz land. Not even me, but I'm not uncomfortable with the change.
