New life today

Fleeting faces like clouds,

Changing shapes on the sky of my mind.

Smokey images, echoing cries

Diminish to whispers as from my sleep I arise.

Emerging into consciousness

Trying to comprehend the sleep-life's plots,

Still I lie, in fresh restlessness

Arranging my disconnected thoughts.

I'm stung awake with a familiar sensation

Steely looks, icy voice, derisive glare.

The cold picture of perilous desolation.

Ah! Reality and imagination had mingled there.

Sifting through the dens of memory unbent,

Eagerly replaying my vivid follies from the start.

I can't help but blame God's careless uninvolvement

when I nourished misconceptions in heart.

If only I could delete them from my mind

Like I delete messages from my phone's inbox...

But stronger and stronger grows the bind

Like chained and held with keyless locks.

Lord, Your mercies flow anew each morn,

Renew my failing faith I pray.

Heal my wounds and end my mourning

Grant me the will to forgive myself today.

letting go

Today is very much unlike yesterday. I'm happier and a lot more wiser too! I got up early in the morning and felt like a new being. Moreover, the weather was milder than yesterday, so I had little difficulty getting out of bed which is the biggest hitch for people like me.

After my quiet time, I stepped out of my home to greet my friends- tiny frogs, cute insects and slimy snails.(For people who've seen the place where I live this's nothing uncommon) Particularly this morning, I was struck by the tardiness of a relatively large snail. Huffing and puffing to move on... Carrying a large dome of intricate design. Suddenly I realized 'THAT'S SO ME! For years now I've been carrying an equally beautiful and heavy bag of memories. Something so hurting and yet so desirable...

I need to move on and let those old days go for good.

Thanks dear friend!

fuoss...

Something fuoss* happened to me last evening. The very thought of it makes my blood run cold.


It was past 8 in the night, when i decided to rush to the supermarket(more like a bigger version of a mal provisional store) near my home...

Let me first describe the locality to accurately communicate the intensity of the whole incident. My home's situated very much off the beaten track which gives it an appearance of a graveyard after sundown. Consequently, accounts of robbery, eve teasing(often beyond just teasing), unidentifiable dead bodies lying on the railway track which runs parallel to the main avenue of our layout, etc are as common as common cold! Unfortunately, there are no houses beyond my single storey nondescript building. However, the road continues for another 300 metres through vacant sites till it meets a lake. A seasonal lake visible only during monsoon. These empty sites are safe hangouts for dopers. I've very often seen them crash here with their guitars in bikes and cars.

Turning to last night... Now you know why I mentioned the time!

I boldly walked out into the soft moonlight closing the gate behind me. The road before me was completely bare. Here and there were patches of bright yellow light scattered by street lights.

At a distance I saw a single beam of light from a bike. 'Surely it's Papa' thought I and intently stared at the silhouette riding the bike. As the figure got clearer, I decried a tall well built man in a red T-shirt who was no way close to a father figure. Quite disappointed I looked away and continued to plod ahead certainly unaware that this man would find a place in my blog the next day.

As the bike got nearer, its pace slackened till it came to an abrupt halt beside me. By now, I'd reached mid-road and wondered what this Mr.X had to do with me. Instinctively I looked at him. With half a smile and half hesitation he mumbled something. Something more like a buzz and absolutely incomprehensible. Suddenly I was reminded of similar incidents when men had passed some vulgar comments or ###$$## remarks in the same tone and remarkably same expression. If looks could kill, he'd be charred to death, such was my stare in reply. With that, I quickly continued to walk.

Undoubtedly he looked extremely embarrassed and sped away. What other treatment did he expect in return? Justly, I was raging with anger against all men! Surprisingly, I heard the rumble of his bike getting closer to me.. the dimly lit path slowly got brighter. Was this man trying to assault me? Verbally, or still worse physically! The road was as deserted as ever! I looked around for a suitable weapon. there were lots of loose chunks of rocks around me. Good. If he tries to play the devil with me, I wouldn't let him escape unharmed. At least his bike would bear the scars of my counter attack!

For my relief, another man- quite decent looking, appeared from a crossroad and was walking towards me. 'That should put him on guard' I thought. Surely enough, his pace reduced almost to 10km/hr. I had to discipline myself not to flee in fright, but my inside was badly shaken. Jesus! something was turning in my tummy! What would he do to me? the decent looking man passed by and I could feel my knees tremble.

'Excuse me' came a clear loud voice. It was the man on the bike. I turned back. However, to my embarrassment, he was speaking to the other guy.' Is this lake view residency? I was looking for #308. could you please help me?' As he said that, he stared at me with a haughty gaze. Uh! OK... I'd got it all wrong...

But I've decided never to venture out of my home after 7 without my bike.

*Fuoss is a word coined by me and my friend to describe something between funny and gross.

Dashing through the hills

Ha HA AH! leaping, jumping!!!! Uh... I'm just too happy for words. This year's parish camp to Yellagiri was amazing! Made loads of friends, stayed up all night, trekked up a hill, screamed my lungs out and the list goes on.

This was the first time in my life that the excitement for a camp began to mount up almost a week before the camp got started. Unlike the usual fate that attends such massive expectations, this camp offered much more than I could ask for! Infact fun and enjoyment spewed out with the rapid turn of every second on the clock.

It would be a gruesome task if I set myself to relate everything blow by blow. Moreover, I'm already beginning to miss those 4 days of great gusto. It makes me incapable of anything else. Shall get back soon:)

Small things are all I ask for.

Life has offered me many things... some asked and others unasked. but it's so oddly frustrating when just that one thing I so desparately want never comes to me. Just one smile to light up my day, just one word to show that I belong somewhere, just a hug to make me feel appreciated... it's only a small thing I ask for which almost always goes unnoticed.

The other day I heard a Joyce Meyer sermon, pushing me to demand big things from God. BIG things because He's able to do much more than I can ever ask or imagine. Undoubtedly I believe He's able to do much more than the highest fancy of my imagination. But how can I hope for big things when the smallest of my prayers seem to go unanswered? I must say it's much easier to be a passive pessimist than a growing christian. Or is something fundamentally wrong with my understanding? Should christians be passive pesimists who give up all their dreams and aspirations at the first step of failure believing that the whole program is not under the will of the Almighty? I'm not making any sense, not even to myself.

Tiny disappointments can so easily put me off. Like knife running through warm butter, glitches ruin the knowledge of God's love for me. No... A small disappointment should not, cannot overshadow the many miracles He's worked in my life. Forgive me Dear Jesus.

Even though the fig tree does not blossom and there are no grapes on the vines. Even though the olive crop fails and the fields lie empty and barren. Even though the floks die in the fields and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in the Lord of my salvation. The Soverign Lord is my strength, He makes me as surefooted as a deer and He will bring me safely over the mountain- Habbakuk 3:17-19
( It took only 10min for me to memorise this verse but it might take a life time to internalise it)