Dadda knows

I'm not always like this

I have seen highs,

When the Great I am took my hands

And whispered love songs in my ears.

His presence alive in me

Cheered the world I stepped in.

The Mighty one bending down I saw

To place on my forehead a loving kiss

But, I'm not always like this.

I sometimes hit the lows,

Question myself

If what my heart once felt was real

Though smiling and dancing

In the house of God

My own heart alone knew

The strong web of despair

Spun around my thoughts

Caught in a battle of truth and whims

I'm not always like this.

I sometimes stumble

Though I make up my mind to run the race.

Run... so I can win.

When the going seems good

Off-guard I'm caught in sin

In shame I cover my face

Disgraced by self-created mess

But I'm not always like this.

When I close my tired eyes

He still watches me.

He gives me my daily bread

He still numbers my every hair.

Even when I feel like giving up on myself

And cry like a wounded child,

He holds me tight in His loving arms and says

"Stay still... Stay right here...

My plans never go amiss

You'll not always be like this".

Dear Jesus

My prayer to You dear Lord,
Is not that You approve of my plans.
Not that You grant my desire.
Not that my dreams be realised
And my hopes be answered.

I have not come to You dear Lord,
To plead for Your attention.
Not come to cry or complain
About my failings and weaknesses.
For You see me as I am.

Dear Lord I come to You,
with a single mind.
This I expect,
This I demand...
That You have Your own way
That You have Your own way in me...

November 1st

Another big day in my life.
A day when I take a stand
Declare the truth
And act on my belief.
A big day indeed...

Wouldst thou be healed?

He stood next to his bike that evening, in the din and noise of the city bus stand which drowned my wafer-thin voice with it's relentless clamour. I didn't understand why it was so hard to let go, why I was expected to get over certain things. It just didn't seem fair. I told him so and wondered why I was venting out to my little brother who according to me needn't have an answer to my questions. The air was thick, with the black smoke from the constantly moving buses, the heat of groundnuts being roasted and my own sorrows probably added some special effects to make it even thicker.

I asked questions on questions and expected him to be stumped by their puzzling complexity. However to my amazement he answered them all very well. Ofcourse, the answers didn't amaze me as much as did the realisation - those were questions for which I didn't want to find an answer. We stood in silence for a while. He put his arm around me and said "Jess I'll pray for you."

John 5:6-7
"Wouldst thou be healed?", asked Jesus
The sick man answered Him, "Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me."

I was here, a sick person with all possible excuses and blame games concerning my fettle. But did I really want to get whole?

That day I said "yes"
And Jesus made me whole.

Thanks Joe for your prayers!

Learning to be patient

'Everyone has a limit to their patience', said Mrs. George- our new English lecturer in her very first class, 'and when that limit is reached... We need to ask God for more'. It almost made me laugh, for while she was still talking, I had eagerly waited for a reasonable excuse to blow up from a better experienced person.

Being patient is possible sometimes, but... I have my own doubts. Especially when I'm tackling non-compliant or difficult patients.

It's not easy to put up with a patient whose oxygen saturation is 100, respiratory rate and ABG reports are well with in normal limits, whose chest on auscultation reveals little abnormal sounds, complaining in a loud shriek, 'I'm dying! Why don't you give me some injections? Put me on the ventilator!' Let alone the decible levels, he also makes me dart around making phone calls to the radiology department for an emergency portable chest x-ray, to the CCU for a respule which is not available in the hospital pharmacy and drives me to get the respiratory therapist's attention who at that moment was perhaps sweet-talking with his girl friend. All this, when there are other patients who require my greater attention and care.
Isn't it hard to put on a smile and reassure him, to enter into his crisis cycle and understand him?
It's not just hard but impossible!
At that moment, contrary to my instinctive nature, I found myself asking for more- More of patience. Not because I was inclined to but because there was no other choice. After all, he is a patient under my care.

A saintly smile and a caring touch. I wonder how many more training situations such as these will make me truly acquire them :)

The stream of His love

In the garden of my life
The stream of His love flows...
It waters, restores to life,
Blooming hopes evoking silken glow.
The dancing stream's musical spell
Washes the petals of dreams with care.
Flowing, singing, vibrant notes,
It's fragrance refreshes the sullen air.
Now the perfumes with gentle persistence
Have so pervaded me...
Lord, I had known no existence
Before knowing Thee...

Godly Insomnia!

It's 3 in the morning now and I'm wide awake. There's no particular thought running through my mind. No worries or cares... I'm simply lying on my bunk bed gazing at the fan running at top speed.
It must be the result of those ever so frequent night duties. Staying up all night does not seem all that abnatural. Yet, it's strange why I lie awake. My roomies aren't even snoring! It was a night of great discoveries as I journyed from the routeins to the extra-ordinaries.
3 missed calls from Mit bro. (That's his cost-effective way of saying goodnight) flashed on my cell at 12am. My mind raced over the events of the day. It was a hectic one. The ICU was full and we had a hard time managing our assignments. My feet were sore when I finally sunk into the chair at the nurses station. 'I'm maxed out!', somebody whined. Yeah. One of those 'uncool' days we agreed. Mit bro, however, surprised me by his response 'I come here to work and I did just that today.' he said. His tone was humble. Not mocking us for complaining. He was only being himself.
Those lines rang in my mind for a while. Then, I began to pray. Every time I'm ready to give up, He sets my perspective right. I had lost sight of my purpose oflate and my work had turned tedious. But he spoke into my life and renewed it by His Word.
In the quiet of this sleepless night I lighted upon another great truth. It can never be 'ALL OVER' between God and me. No matter how many times I fight with Him, go astray or fall down, it's never the end of our relationship. Yes, the consequences are distasteful but I don't have to wonder in dreadful suspense if I can ever start over with Him. It's comforting. A thought on which I can meditate through out the night.

As I wait

Think I need it right away.
"Lord! When? O, when?"
I can barely stop crying.
Isn't time running out?
Isn't there more I could do with this time,
Strength and beauty of youth?
Why? Why do You want me to wait?
Can't see why...
If it were up to me, then I...
If it were up to me, WHAT?
I can't fashion my life better than You do.
I can't design a plan better than Yours.
As I wait, keep my wild heart still.
I know there's nothing better than following Your will.