Dadda knows

I'm not always like this

I have seen highs,

When the Great I am took my hands

And whispered love songs in my ears.

His presence alive in me

Cheered the world I stepped in.

The Mighty one bending down I saw

To place on my forehead a loving kiss

But, I'm not always like this.

I sometimes hit the lows,

Question myself

If what my heart once felt was real

Though smiling and dancing

In the house of God

My own heart alone knew

The strong web of despair

Spun around my thoughts

Caught in a battle of truth and whims

I'm not always like this.

I sometimes stumble

Though I make up my mind to run the race.

Run... so I can win.

When the going seems good

Off-guard I'm caught in sin

In shame I cover my face

Disgraced by self-created mess

But I'm not always like this.

When I close my tired eyes

He still watches me.

He gives me my daily bread

He still numbers my every hair.

Even when I feel like giving up on myself

And cry like a wounded child,

He holds me tight in His loving arms and says

"Stay still... Stay right here...

My plans never go amiss

You'll not always be like this".

Dear Jesus

My prayer to You dear Lord,
Is not that You approve of my plans.
Not that You grant my desire.
Not that my dreams be realised
And my hopes be answered.

I have not come to You dear Lord,
To plead for Your attention.
Not come to cry or complain
About my failings and weaknesses.
For You see me as I am.

Dear Lord I come to You,
with a single mind.
This I expect,
This I demand...
That You have Your own way
That You have Your own way in me...

Fall

Life's not been the same always
I walk, I fall, rise and fall.
Sometimes disappointed with myself
At other times condoning my sins.
After all, I'm just human...
My failings are many, but I try
Try not to fall...
And I hope someday to rise
Rise above my weaknesses
To walk steadily in obedience.
Still I fall...
Did I not try hard enough?
Was not my faith enough?
How much longer...
Before God gives up on me?
Life's not been the same always
I walk, I fall, rise and fall.
But He loves me still the same.
Now my heart earnestly cries
Dear Lord, everyday let me fall
Fall and never rise
Fall each day with a passion anew
Evermore deeply in love with You...

November 1st

Another big day in my life.
A day when I take a stand
Declare the truth
And act on my belief.
A big day indeed...

Glorious day!

October 25th... A day that goes down in the history of Jessyland.

Huddled closely around her lovely friends, she stood. She stood right at the back in the last row of the great throng that had assembled to worship the great Iam. The hall resounded with songs of adoration and as she made way for the people still streaming in to occupy some vacant seats in the row, little did she know what was in store.

Eyes tightly shut, hands lifted high, tears sparkling in her lashes. She stood not knowing how her need would be met. She mumbled under her breath - "Lord, that gift I desire is mine to claim. I know in Your own time, when I'm ready for it, You'll give it to me. Now I surrender wholly to You. Body mind and soul... Take me I am Yours."

She loved to sing. Especially in a gathering like this, where voices joined as one floated up to the throne of the Most High. Where many imperfections drowned out in an expression of love. Today, however, was not exactly the same. Her tongue was tired but her heart sang a new song of praise for the One she loved. Her lips were still, but the song bubbled inside of her. It bubbled with growing energy, till it finally broke out...

God in His amazing love granted her desire. At the least expected moment, the gift was hers, though she deserved no such grace. She asked and He gave it to her. Without any questions, any conditions, in an instant He changed her world :)

He spoke.

I'm so amazed at the love of God that leads me on! Early in the morning during my quiet time a question entered my mind and I asked Jesus, "What about this? I would like it if it should happen sometime in the future... Or is it the right desire at all?" It lingered on in my mind almost making me inattentive during my clinical postings.
I wasn't myself and nothing except the question ran through my mind. Would it be OK or not? Those words just rattled on.
I have waited for answers from God for years. Sometimes He answers sooner but I fail to hear. Now I was anxious to avoid any of those spots. I can't wait and I can't not hear...
Surprisingly, in the evening when our course co-ordinator was dropping us back to the train station, I heard God speak. He spoke through my clinical coordinator. There was no reason why she had to randomly start talking about her life experiences that actually related to my question! She had never before discussed any thing personal with us but now she did!
Divine intervention! For me!
Thank You Lord!

My Love

I am not all that life has called me to be,
Not everything I could've acheived
Has earned wings.
I have no riches worth swaggering,
It's not in me that I have found contentment.
I have not trudged too far in the path of FAITH
Not walked too long in TRUST;
I am not unaccustomed to LOVE
Or the fulfillment it brings,
But I had never before to this measure
Rejoiced in His embrace.
Never before to this extent
reveled in His presence...

Wouldst thou be healed?

He stood next to his bike that evening, in the din and noise of the city bus stand which drowned my wafer-thin voice with it's relentless clamour. I didn't understand why it was so hard to let go, why I was expected to get over certain things. It just didn't seem fair. I told him so and wondered why I was venting out to my little brother who according to me needn't have an answer to my questions. The air was thick, with the black smoke from the constantly moving buses, the heat of groundnuts being roasted and my own sorrows probably added some special effects to make it even thicker.

I asked questions on questions and expected him to be stumped by their puzzling complexity. However to my amazement he answered them all very well. Ofcourse, the answers didn't amaze me as much as did the realisation - those were questions for which I didn't want to find an answer. We stood in silence for a while. He put his arm around me and said "Jess I'll pray for you."

John 5:6-7
"Wouldst thou be healed?", asked Jesus
The sick man answered Him, "Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me."

I was here, a sick person with all possible excuses and blame games concerning my fettle. But did I really want to get whole?

That day I said "yes"
And Jesus made me whole.

Thanks Joe for your prayers!

Cries my heart

In the bleak cave of loneliness I dwell

Amidst a dreary stretch of endless sand

The fire rages, nothing can quell

The baleful heat of this parched land.

Falling on my knees with tearful gasps

I cry out to You with fond memories of homeland

Redeem me from the desert's clasps

And the baleful heat of this parched land.

The feverish furnace's blazing glow

Shall ebb away at your single command

By Your Word living waters shall flow

Through the baleful heat of this parched land.

The stream of His love

In the garden of my life
The stream of His love flows...
It waters, restores to life,
Blooming hopes evoking silken glow.
The dancing stream's musical spell
Washes the petals of dreams with care.
Flowing, singing, vibrant notes,
It's fragrance refreshes the sullen air.
Now the perfumes with gentle persistence
Have so pervaded me...
Lord, I had known no existence
Before knowing Thee...