I'm not always like this I have seen highs, When the Great I am took my hands And whispered love songs in my ears. His presence alive in me Cheered the world I stepped in. The Mighty one bending down I saw To place on my forehead a loving kiss But, I'm not always like this. I sometimes hit the lows, Question myself If what my heart once felt was real Though smiling and dancing In the house of God My own heart alone knew The strong web of despair Spun around my thoughts Caught in a battle of truth and whims I'm not always like this. I sometimes stumble Though I make up my mind to run the race. Run... so I can win. When the going seems good Off-guard I'm caught in sin In shame I cover my face Disgraced by self-created mess But I'm not always like this. When I close my tired eyes He still watches me. He gives me my daily bread He still numbers my every hair. Even when I feel like giving up on myself And cry like a wounded child, He holds me tight in His loving arms and says "Stay still... Stay right here... My plans never go amiss You'll not always be like this".
My prayer to You dear Lord,
Is not that You approve of my plans.
Not that You grant my desire.
Not that my dreams be realised
And my hopes be answered.
I have not come to You dear Lord,
To plead for Your attention.
Not come to cry or complain
About my failings and weaknesses.
For You see me as I am.
Dear Lord I come to You,
with a single mind.
This I expect,
This I demand...
That You have Your own way
That You have Your own way in me...
We were at our favourite hang out- the seashore, when he said being happy is a choice that we make... "Really? I don't think so." was my instant reply. He retorted, "Yes it is! When things don't go the way you want it to, it's up to you to say I believe this is for my good, because I trust in the love of the Lord and I know that He's in control, or to say I don't know why nothing good ever happens to me." The last part of the sentence was said in such a whiny babyish style that I broke out laughing.
As we watched the restless waves and listened to its constant rumble, I wondered- Is it all that easy? When I'm with him, yes it is more than easy to be happy... To be ecstatic even when every reason to smile is snatched away from me! When he is around... Yes.
As if reading my thoughts he said, "It's not easy, I agree. Making the best choice in life is never easy." He held my gaze for a moment and then looked away. Why, I could not tell. Was it because he saw the hurt in my eyes? I didn't want him to leave me so soon. Was this really the best choice he could make? I didn't know. "This time is too good to be wasted in silence" he said turning to me with beaming eyes. "True" I said, "I can either decide to make myself miserable over your going away or decide to make the most out of the time I'm with you."
"You're a quick learner!" he said in a mocking tone, "Come on! It's not like I'm leaving you forever. It's only for a few months!"
The sun glowed low on the horizon. Cool winds rushed in a pleasing pace. The waves still rumbled, as we talked, laughed and walked bare foot along the cheerful shore.
I love You... There's nothing in this whole wide world I want more than You.
It was much after dusk. I was walking back home from the library through the deserted roads of Hurstville... At a distance there was a gigantic hoarding lit up with red lights, announcing my proximity to the Westfield shopping town. Right before me was St George's hospital. Wearing the same deserted look unlike Indian hospitals, where hordes of people maunder in and out of the wide gates with every kind of expression human faces are capable of wearing. There I walked amazed at the huge turn my life has taken. Nothing's the same here in Oz land. Not even me, but I'm not uncomfortable with the change.
Life's not been the same alwaysAnother big day in my life.
A day when I take a stand
Declare the truth
And act on my belief.
A big day indeed...
October 25th... A day that goes down in the history of Jessyland.I'm so amazed at the love of God that leads me on! Early in the morning during my quiet time a question entered my mind and I asked Jesus, "What about this? I would like it if it should happen sometime in the future... Or is it the right desire at all?" It lingered on in my mind almost making me inattentive during my clinical postings.
I wasn't myself and nothing except the question ran through my mind. Would it be OK or not? Those words just rattled on.
I have waited for answers from God for years. Sometimes He answers sooner but I fail to hear. Now I was anxious to avoid any of those spots. I can't wait and I can't not hear...
Surprisingly, in the evening when our course co-ordinator was dropping us back to the train station, I heard God speak. He spoke through my clinical coordinator. There was no reason why she had to randomly start talking about her life experiences that actually related to my question! She had never before discussed any thing personal with us but now she did!
Divine intervention! For me!
Thank You Lord!
I was never there, but he typed,
'How I wish you could come back here.'
I read the line again and again trying hard
Not to reply... At least not to go on conversing
About it... A different turn of subjects.
Studies, assignments and work.
But he got back to it again.
It was not about the fervent words
Not about the sighs and aches,
But a reflection of myself that had faded away.
That I had destroyed and never wanted to see again.
He would not hesitate to speak
He would not rest till memories were revived.
Till I cried...
Till I had another restless night.
I am not all that life has called me to be,
Not everything I could've acheived
Has earned wings.
I have no riches worth swaggering,
It's not in me that I have found contentment.
I have not trudged too far in the path of FAITH
Not walked too long in TRUST;
I am not unaccustomed to LOVE
Or the fulfillment it brings,
But I had never before to this measure
Rejoiced in His embrace.
Never before to this extent
reveled in His presence...
I'm amazed at how the three weeks in Melbourne flew by. Tomorrow I'll be leaving to Sydney, with my three friends who'll remain with me for another 8 weeks. Today I'm leving behind 12 of my classmates who had somehow created a special place in my heart within a very short period of time.
I'm truly blessed to have met these beautiful people who gave me a family feeling during my stay in a foreign country. We all shared a common factor of being strangers in an unknown land and supported each other through the ups and downs of our theory classes.
Looking back one last time, at the classroom which gave me mostly happy moments to fondle, I walk ahead towards a nameless future. Counting on Jesus who gave me all I have and leads me on.
It's been really long since I made an entry on this blog. Really really long. Wish I could spend some time blog trotting! But, the assignments and cooking take away almost all my time.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm having all the fun possible under the mild Melbourne sun (Even with the news of racists' attack on harmless Indian students doing the rounds). It's been a week since I landed here and so far, everything's been great!
One of the many great things that came my way - a good friend!
The sky is still now after a heavy downpour. I had waited for a spell of rain since the begining of this month. It broke down today like an angst girl who'd at last released her pent up emotions.
The winds have mellowed. Clouds have sobered down. The night is black outside with distant soundless flashes of lightning occasionally but clearly visible.. More so, because of the persisting power cut.. Inside my little room, I hear the hum of mosquitoes that's keeping me awake. Too bad, we depend on the electrically powered mosquito repellent.. Should consider sleeping within a net.
Goodnight to me and my blog...
He stood next to his bike that evening, in the din and noise of the city bus stand which drowned my wafer-thin voice with it's relentless clamour. I didn't understand why it was so hard to let go, why I was expected to get over certain things. It just didn't seem fair. I told him so and wondered why I was venting out to my little brother who according to me needn't have an answer to my questions. The air was thick, with the black smoke from the constantly moving buses, the heat of groundnuts being roasted and my own sorrows probably added some special effects to make it even thicker.
I asked questions on questions and expected him to be stumped by their puzzling complexity. However to my amazement he answered them all very well. Ofcourse, the answers didn't amaze me as much as did the realisation - those were questions for which I didn't want to find an answer. We stood in silence for a while. He put his arm around me and said "Jess I'll pray for you."
John 5:6-7
"Wouldst thou be healed?", asked Jesus
The sick man answered Him, "Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me."
I was here, a sick person with all possible excuses and blame games concerning my fettle. But did I really want to get whole?
That day I said "yes"
And Jesus made me whole.
Thanks Joe for your prayers!
'Everyone has a limit to their patience', said Mrs. George- our new English lecturer in her very first class, 'and when that limit is reached... We need to ask God for more'. It almost made me laugh, for while she was still talking, I had eagerly waited for a reasonable excuse to blow up from a better experienced person.
Being patient is possible sometimes, but... I have my own doubts. Especially when I'm tackling non-compliant or difficult patients.
It's not easy to put up with a patient whose oxygen saturation is 100, respiratory rate and ABG reports are well with in normal limits, whose chest on auscultation reveals little abnormal sounds, complaining in a loud shriek, 'I'm dying! Why don't you give me some injections? Put me on the ventilator!' Let alone the decible levels, he also makes me dart around making phone calls to the radiology department for an emergency portable chest x-ray, to the CCU for a respule which is not available in the hospital pharmacy and drives me to get the respiratory therapist's attention who at that moment was perhaps sweet-talking with his girl friend. All this, when there are other patients who require my greater attention and care.
Isn't it hard to put on a smile and reassure him, to enter into his crisis cycle and understand him?
It's not just hard but impossible!
At that moment, contrary to my instinctive nature, I found myself asking for more- More of patience. Not because I was inclined to but because there was no other choice. After all, he is a patient under my care.
A saintly smile and a caring touch. I wonder how many more training situations such as these will make me truly acquire them :)
